A few months back I was at one of THOSE parties, chatting with a guy in the kitchen as people in states of dress ranging from barely to not at all moved around us to get snacks, ass, and beverages. I had only interacted with him once before in a public setting and even in this debauched one it took everything I had not to come on too strong. Do you know how hard that is to hold back when there’s a muscle bear giving you the time of day???
We were negotiating especially carefully on my part. I always strive to cover all the bases, but with cis men who are more-or-less straight identified, my defenses take longer to chip away even if the cis guy in question doesn’t seem to care about the gender of the person he’s about to play with. But for clarification purposes - despite there being no plan for sexual contact, I asked again if he was okay with playing with a male-identified trans guy (my way of letting him know that even though we weren’t having sex and he mostly considered himself straight, he was about to have a gay male scene).
“Yeah sure!” He said. “I don’t really like gender boxes anyway.”
Our scene was light, but good, and that’s precisely what I want when I’m playing with someone for the first time. I think Jay Wiseman said in his S/M 101 book that it’s always better to leave a first scene feeling like you could have done more. But when I got home and recovered from my sexy shenanigans, his words sprang to mind and I couldn’t really shake them.
I mean, it’s one thing for a genderfluid person to say for themselves to hell with the gender marker boxes, but when a cis person says it in general, it’s insulting.
Cis people usually don’t have to think about their genders for more than two seconds from what I can tell. They have to think about what they’re wearing in accordance with their identity, but not all for the same reasons as trans people, and odds are they can do something that for some of us is so stressful and potentially dangerous, like walk into a public restroom without much thought beyond “when the hell was the last time this place was cleaned?”
Trans people in general are held up to often unrealistic standards, and those standards can contradict each other at the discretion of judgmental cis people. So no matter how old we are when we come out, we think about our genders - and gender in general, I dare say - waaaaay more often than cis people. And when a cis person says any variation of “gender boxes are obnoxious” it can translate to:
1. “I don’t have to think about my gender all that much, so why would anyone else think about theirs?”
2. “By making a seemingly progressive and enlightened comment about the gender binary, I’m telling you (trans person who identifies within that binary) that your thoughts and experiences - possible monetary expense (legal name change, hair removal, therapy, binders, clothes, hormones, surgery, birth certificate, ID cards, passports, etc), emotional expense (coming out to friends, family, employers, co-workers, school, getting fired, disowned, becoming homeless, etc), and danger involved (being beaten up, harassed, abused, killed, etc) - aren’t worth acknowledging or even respecting because, hey - we’re all just people, right?”*, **
3. “OMG! Why do you keep correcting me on your name and pronouns? You’re so inconsiderate of my feelings (which became infinitely more important than you the second you came out to me) Why can’t we all just be people (except you, because you’re trans)?”
4. “I’m honestly trying to say the right thing and I am dropping the ball because I don’t know any better. I’ll be thanking you enthusiastically when you email me a Trans 101 document later!”
YMMV. And #4 doesn’t happen all that often :-(
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*This is not me saying that trans people take the gold in the Oppression Olympics!!!
**These same cis people tend to tell genderfluid people outright to “OMG YOU’RE EITHER MALE OR FEMALE PICK ONE!1!111!!!”
![arielnietzsche:
thedailywhat:
Breaking News of the Day: Zimmerman Granted Bail: George Zimmerman has been granted bond — set at $150,000 — in the February 26 shooting death of Trayvon Martin. Circuit Judge Kenneth Lester set several conditions for Zimmerman’s release, including a curfew, but said further details need to be worked out between Zimmerman’s attorney and law enforcement. Zimmerman will not be released today.
Zimmerman’s family asked the judge this morning to grant bail while he awaits trial. Family members — testifying by phone because they say they have been threatened — argued that Zimmerman is neither a flight risk nor a threat to the community.
“He is absolutely not a violent person,” said his wife, Shellie Zimmerman.
Defense attorney Mark O’Mara would prefer that Zimmerman be allowed to leave the area because of concerns about his safety. “Normally, the conditions are that you stay local. I think that is going to be difficult,” he said. “I think nobody would deny the fact that if George Zimmerman were walking down the street today, he would be at risk. That is a reality.”
George Zimmerman took the stand to make a statement.
“I wanted to say I am sorry for the loss of your son. I did not know how old he was, I thought he was a little bit younger than I am and I did not know if he was armed or not.”
[lat / globeandmail]
I wanted to say I am sorry for the loss of your son.
stfu
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I imagine when you’re so convinced that someone’s dangerous and suspicious just because they’re black and you feel a need to chase them down with a gun, you don’t stop to think about things like their age, their humanity in general, or whether they’re carrying.
Fuck you and you’re bullshit apology, Zimmerman.](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2sa9hRyK11qzpwi0o1_500.jpg)
